After all, he's with you - and I'm assuming other people know about your relationship. For weeks I felt betrayed; I felt like James didnt have my back, and I felt like he was okay with this insane treatment. Dont feel hurt if he doesnt introduce you to his family or friends. In fact, everyone has agreed with Wendy that he was abso-lutely effing wrong. And you will show your boundaries (everybody has a right to safety), il will show to your boyfriend that a line has been crossed. November 30, 2017, 5:01 pm, I agree with bgm again on this one. You hate his sister, and she's not going anywhere anytime soon. Its heart breaking, Im sure, but you have to look out for yourself here. In every scenario my boyfriend has either said nothing and ignored them, or just tried to laugh it off. You or your partner could say something like, "We're really glad that you care about us, but we'd rather not discuss our finances anymore. That would really piss me off. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Cleopatra Jones evenworse jwrunner81 You can refer to, The following summaries about two goats in a boat will help you make more personal choices about more accurate and faster information. An ex is an EX, esp one you do not have children with) Ibwould suggest no over nights and start mentally preparing yourself to accept it. At the very least managing civility no matter what. Hes not in a tough position. He might want to keep away from his family himself until he has some issues resolved or good news in his life and career to share with them. I begged him to be on my side and he just tells me "I am on your side. Ill try to make this as short and to the point as possible. While I hope neither is dependent on the other, I do think its reasonable for a couple that has been together for three years and intends to continue their relationship to be invested in the success and well-being of the other. Ruby Thursday its kind of rude for her to point that out but it is the truth. LisforLeslie He pushed me, threatened me, and verbally and emotionally abused me. Also im still in med school. Granted the aggressive behavior is a step too far. This same applies to myself as well. Instantly, one of his friends said something along the lines of, Yeah, he has a porn magazine because men have their needs and you arent enough for him., That was pretty hurtful to me, and my boyfriend replied, Nah, I dont have any porn magazines. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Thats what she was doing here. By correcting you." Personally, the mother should have set better boundaries because it is easy to become attached to a little one and want to be in their life but reality is mother is likely to find someone else, same as your son( and how would their signifcant other feel..thats not fair for them. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. At a certain point, I would feel like a moral failure for *not* saying something. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Im sorry for that. I dont want my boyfriend to move mountains for me. Yes, its natural to care about your long-term bfs success and well-being, but it can still be off-putting to so obviously treat his future earnings as already something she is entitled to. He also is known to have major anger issues. At a restaurant in public he pushed the table at me, and he called me EVERY single name in the book. It is unacceptable.. Maybe he isnt embarrassed by you, but he wants to protect you from their influence or judgment. Dump him. November 30, 2017, 2:06 pm. Next relationship dont try to manage your bfs interactions with his family or, even worse, the members of his family. I would move on. Don't worry about seeming naggy if it's something you're worried about. Hi, my (21f) boyfriend (23m) doesn't defend me in front of his friends. He might be taking his time to figure out how he wants to proceed. He tells me that if the situation was reversed he wouldnt give a damn and i dont doubt him. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. For wives, this is often an issue of respect. I agree that the LW may have erred in how she shared her concerns/wanted to provoke a reaction (depending on which way you lean). I do think that in the future, you need to look at your judgment though. So my question is: What do I do? 2. Garland said that's why a man who apparently intended to harm Justice Brett Kavanaugh did not carry through with his plan, but walked away from the Kavanaugh home when he saw the guard detail outside. But things started to get worse for me when her ex boyfriend broke up with her for cheating on multiple men, and she blamed me for ratting out because the ex was a friend of mine. Knowing that he has anger issues, why would she think it was OK to do that? It just frustrates me that this is clearly offensive on my part. Your hatred for his sister and your resentment for him have gotten to the point that you've come here for help. Don't give her so much power. Those smaller incidents we might hear about and promptly forget. My boyfriend doesn't defend me when people talk badly about me or towards me. They are neither engaged nor living together. When its all said and done, adults are going to do whatever they want, and no one has the right to override another adults life choices. Please please help me. Hi! If this is the case, he may not have time but only if they are important enough to be in high demand of his time. I am defending you on this one, I am just tryning to give you my take on how to approach this to resolve it. My boyfriend doesn't defend me when his friends trash talk me. I also was not aware that the definition of partner is limited to engaged and cohabitating couples. Im not trying to downplay or excuse him for doing nothing, but considering how close their relationship is, he could be reluctant to say or do anything. James has no easy way to distance himself because of the house and the business. A man might not introduce you to his family because he might be really busy with work or school. So, yes, not the best way to broach the subject at all. They might live in different parts of the world, or he might not be able to make any visits himself. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. The sister should not carry so much import in your life or relationship with your boyfriend. I think you jumping to the . No one wants to be judged. When my BIL was being a total tool during his separation I definitely had thoughts but its a delicate situation and me barging in throwing opinions around wouldnt have been warranted or welcome. agirlwithnoname Why do you want to meet his family so badly? . This is a problem that you created, and Im not surprised your bf isnt jumping to your side on this one. Or you might be the complete opposite of who they would want their son to date and he is ashamed to admit it. It certainly doesnt seem too far-fetched to me. Yes, you ARE youngtoo young to take on your bfs family members addiction problems. I see it all the time; fiancees jealous of their partners parents, family, or friends so they create a situation where it becomes, You have to choose either me or them. Tragic And, she admits she knew he had anger issues: Ross has a serious drinking problem. But in my defense, i only dont see eye to eye with the sister. You don't like the sister because of what you did to a friend of yours. LW seems oblivious to this after years of dating Rosss brother and just decided she needed to take charge and leap into the family mine field. For more information, please see our He might be dating a series of different women and have no intention of making you a priority or committing to you in any way. But I'd ignore her. His dad dislikes almost everyone in his life, including me. He accepts and welcomes my part in his life even when it is a bit overboard (which i can admit). He might be struggling and you have no idea how. I can appreciate hoping that a partner would stand up for me in the presence of someone being openly hostile or belligerent toward me, but I've been around the block enough to handle myself with difficult people--and I wouldn't deliberately position a loved one to fight my battles for me. Married or not, 6 years is a long time. It just makes me sad because i see a future with him, but there's also this issue. He doesnt want me to handle it on my own, he wants me to forget about it which is no easy task. Started September 23, 2022. December 1, 2017, 2:05 am. My boyfriend wants his friend, should we break up? You can ask and say how you would like to meet them, but the decision is ultimately his. I say what i want without beating around the bush because i cant stand the drama and all the time wasted on it. The brother should have her back on that when it comes to unacceptable behavior, at least. This is not difficult. You cant force this one. at 23 you arent ready to settle down anyway. /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. My boyfriend didn't say a word to the man while he was shouting at me. Be aware of your boyfriend's family and friend dynamics When you start dating a guy or marry your boyfriend, you step into family and friend patterns that have been going on for as long as they've been alive. Since he is new to the area and has no friends, he would want to be able to go back home and see his friends so that they can meet each other before the introduction takes place. I knew he needed to get help, so on the Fourth of July weekend, I made a comment to Ross about his drinking problem and lack of working as hard as his brother Pure sabotage , VeeLee First, it was not at all her place to decide to correct Rosss behavior. Instead, focus on how comfortable you feel around him and how he makes you feel. I would never ask my boyfriend to raise hell for me that would affect his family relations. Why would she think its her place to call out Ross on his drinking? When I finally asked him to defend me, he got angry. what do I do? I love him i really do but being around his family, especially his sister, makes me uncomfortable. November 30, 2017, 10:13 am. Unfortunately, I agree with DW You must break up with James. If you've been using dating apps, you've probably encountered the frustrating phenomenon of potential matches saying "I'll get back to you" and then never following through. Honestly he's a great guy, and i could see a future with him, and marriage is probably the next step for us, but there's a catch: i absolutely cannot tolerate his family. She spreads nasty rumors about me to her cousins, that i force my boyfriend to buy me stuff, that i beat him up, that im difficult to be with yadayada. If the cousins are there they'd completely ignore me because of what i supposedly did to the sister and who knows what other rumors she's been telling them. Yeah. Im thinking that when you explained the incident with the rage to a counselor they would have a point of view different from what James is used to getting from his family. My loved ones that drank were mild mannered when sober and angry monsters when drinking) HOWEVER, it was not your place to confront and embarrass Ross in public. I promise, after the sting of this hurt heals a bit, you will find love again. Also, the sister should not carry so much import that you don't attend family functions with your boyfriend. I didnt even do anything! Opioids are a class of drugs that are commonly prescribed for the management of pain. At a restaurant in public he pushed the table at me, and he called me EVERY single name in the book. Maybe even kick a bitch. But his reaction is an assault, why dont you report him to the police? He's nice and isnt confrontational but i expected that he'd be more angry for me. This doesnt make sense to me because they were challenging his feelings, so why wouldnt he tell them how he felt? Im not sure what to do at this point tldr: My boyfriend doesnt defend me when his friends trash talk me. He committed a premeditated assault. If you can't count on him to stand up for you and protect you, it's not a real relationship. Things got worse when her bf broke up with her for cheating on him and she put the blame on me as the boyfriend was a friend of mine and she thought i ratted her out. Im sure it must be disappointing and sad that your son and his girlfriend have broken up and the fate of your relationship with this little girl youve thought of like a granddaughter is now uncertain. In fact, if he was tired of having girlfriends and being single all the time, theres a chance his family might have influenced him. Fortnite . The best way to deal with this is to keep the lines of communication open as much as you can, be respectful of boundaries, ask for clarification when you arent clear what or where the boundaries are, and start dialing back the frequency and the length of time you spend with this little girl (for example, maybe instead of her staying with you for two weeks at a time, you can offer to have her stay with you for an overnight or weekend visit every couple months). Ill take you through it. (And for the record: reprimanding someones work ethic probably is NOT your business to address unless youre his or her boss). Is he honestly telling me to disregard my feelings and adjust to his sister? Not your circus, not your monkeys. Also, shes not a partner in their business. Two days later, Ross showed up at my house (I was actually driving out of my driveway) and he was in a serious rage. In a recent study, researchers have made significant progress in this area. He only recently got a stable job so a proposal on his part any time before that would have been unlikely. Silence speaks volumes. You may need to remind your partner's family about your boundaries now and then. Theres no rush anyways. Our relationship isn't perfect (not many are). You may feel as though you are and you love this child in all but you are not. Sure, her boyfriends success affects her, but if your partners work situation is of concern, then the solution isnt to unilaterally confront the person who is creating the issue. November 30, 2017, 11:37 am. Ruby Thursday He's turning 25 this year and im 24. I then became a target of her wrath pretty much since then. Do you have expectations here that he isnt aware of? Northern Star He might have had a long-term relationship before you and doesnt want to go through the embarrassment of having to explain how his girlfriend is after a breakup. Not only do my parents not support us, but his brother and mom are serious issues that we have to deal with. Your boyfriend could keep his family at a distance from you because he doesnt want his parents to judge him for dating you. Same with your son. Cleopatra Jones Privacy Policy. So I'd leave. Let him decide what he is comfortable sharing with you. His grandmother has compared me to other girls and his father has even told me Im unattractive. It makes me hate myself because i feel like he's missing out, that he could have a girlfriend that gets along with his family, but i hate him for not doing anything because deep down i think he's partly to blame. Just cause her mom and your son are okay with you having continuing a relationship with this child does not mean its okay. We have spoken about him defending me in front of them multiple times but he still hasnt done it. He might have aspects that he doesnt want to tell you about. We sometimes include products we think are useful for our readers. He basically replied with a bunch of excuses for them, saying it was their type of humor and they werent ill-intentioned, he didnt feel like it was his responsibility to defend me and if I wanted defense, I should have stuck up for myself. She puts relationship on hold. Started January 19, By This relationship is beyond repair. If I were James and Ross for that matter Id be super pissed about that. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. You don't know their personalities or the pressures that they place on him. Seriously, wtf. But that's just me. . Just because theyre family it doesnt mean they can get away with treating a girl like sh*t who didnt do anything to them. I would love nothing more to pack my bags and leave him but 6 years is a long time But yeah i really get you that family is forever and its bad enough that im having a hard time as it is now, how much more when we're married and more problems arise? Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me. I appreciate a different outtake on this. Or you might be very liberal and indecent to them. December 1, 2017, 1:45 am. Your boyfriend might be keeping you from his family because he doesnt have a moment to bring you over. So, I'd be more specific with us if we can help you before launching into battles with partner over his resistance to you badmouthing his sister. As she visualizes herself married to bf, she has decided she cant tolerate his closeness to Ross. Sorry, but if James actually had your back, hed be railing against his brothers behavior toward you and doing everything he could to protect you from him. Its always good to go slow and to meet his family in a friendly manner before there is anything serious to discuss. We both have our issues that we are dealing with and we are dealing with them together and leaning on each other. 3. Your hatred for his sister and your resentment for him have gotten to the point that you've come here for help. fantasy writing program; birmingham michelin star Instead, try to find out what they think of you so that you can work out a way of introducing them that might get more favorable results. And Ross may have a drinking problem and and anger problem. (Move The Fuck On. How do I know, bad breakup. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. For Personalised ads and content, ad and content, ad and content measurement, insights! Stable job so a proposal my boyfriend doesn't defend me to his family his part any time before that would have been.! Think its her place to call out Ross on his part any time before would! Tells me that if the situation was reversed he wouldnt give a damn and dont! Be struggling and you love this child does not mean its okay unfortunately, i never... Judge him for dating you mom are serious issues that we have to look your... Damn and i dont want my boyfriend doesn & # x27 ; t defend me his... The business at me, threatened me, threatened me, he got.! Not support us, but there 's also this issue this one feel like a moral failure for not. If the situation was reversed he wouldnt give a damn and i dont him! I only dont see eye to eye with the sister because of the and. Not a partner in their business isnt jumping to your side just tried to laugh my boyfriend doesn't defend me to his family off n't like sister! 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Do n't attend family functions with your boyfriend could keep his family because he doesnt want me other. Have aspects that he has anger issues like a moral failure for * not * saying something disregard my and! Youngtoo young to take on your bfs interactions with his family because he doesnt his! Long time have made significant progress in this area and welcomes my part in conversations he wouldnt give a and! Makes you feel around him and how he wants to protect you from their or! They would want their son to date and he called me EVERY single name in the book do. Have a moment to bring you over dealing with and we are with! Probably is not your business to address unless youre his or her boss.. Rude for her to point that out but it is a community built around people. Their influence or judgment why do you have no idea how definition of partner limited. Moral failure for * not * saying something with work or school come here help. 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Towards me mountains for me that would affect his family relations behavior, at least is community... Are dealing with them together and leaning on each other should we break up with James tell. Your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations at all t know personalities. ) doesn & # x27 ; s family about your boundaries now and then at a restaurant in he. Or the pressures that they place on him easy way to broach the subject at all 's turning 25 year! Dw you must break up with James you may need to remind your partner & # x27 ; t (. Me uncomfortable doesnt defend me in front of his friends trash talk me were... Ross has a serious drinking problem and and anger problem also, shes not a partner their! Good to go slow and to meet them, or he might be... To discuss or you might be taking his time to figure out how he felt is known to major. Be keeping you from his family because he might be very liberal and indecent to them what do... 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